Shit Traders Say

A compilation of colorful, memorable phrases and zingers I heard people in this industry say (mostly buy side quantitative and algorithmic traders) over the years. Inspired by Fred Baba (MIT '10)'s post and ye old @gselevator. Enjoy!

"Let's make some money!" -Anon

"I think we're ready to make some money." -Anon right before the market opened

A: "CNBC says you should not open a family office with only $100 million. You should have at least $300 million."
B: "Do I look like I have $300 million?"
A: "I dunno"

"Oh that's right, I'm already fat." *drums belly* -Anon

"Sushi doesn't spoil. [few hours later] Sushi doesn't survive." -Anon

"How hard is it to order another five or six monitors?" -Anon

"Yeah, that's the monitor graveyard." *points to growing stack of monitors* -Anon

"How far along is your strategy from weaponization?" -Anon

"That bastard! I don't even think he knows what a symlink is! He's a N000B! With three zeros!" -Anon on outsourced IT

"What are the lucky and unlucky numbers in Asian cultures? I want to buy some Powerballs." -Anon on picking numbers on lottery tickets

"Everyone wants to jump in bed with [the head of research], but before you get to the sexy stuff you need to do some grunge work, like cleaning data." -Anon on data aggregation and cleaning

"Kinky bond math!" -Anon

"If there were a game in which I had a positive EV, I would be playing that [instead of sitting at my desk]!" -Anon

"Our long term goal is to take over the world, of course. Actually, only half, because someone else needs to be on the other side [of trades]." -Anon at a market making shop

"That's not appropriate lunch table talk; the interns are here." -Anon on trading strategies

"You work at a hedge fund now; you can pay." -Anon on splitting the check

"I just want to click buttons and make money!" -Anon

"I'm just too much of a type A for that kind of lifestyle." -Anon on "experiencing life" in the 20s

"One ought to enjoy life, really." -Anon on revving supercars in the dealer

"That's what you get for not making me PM..." -Anon on a job offer

"You don't want to be CTO; that's a tech role." -Anon

"I just wanna win, make some f*ck you money, and have my Porsche." -Anon (not yours truly!)

"Pokémon Driven Trading" -Anon on PDT Partners

On regressions:
A: "My regression looks promising!"
B: "What's the R^2 value?"
A: "NaN"
B: "LOL"

On historical data:

A: "What's the difference between 'C' and 'Call'?"
B: *shrugs* "I don't know; it's your data!"

On life goals:
A: "I will become God of this world."
B: "I will have more money than God."

"Screw bucket lists, let's be worth 8 figures and then we'll talk." -Anon

"When someone disappears, either they died or they joined Renaissance." -Anon on Renaissance Technology's 5-year noncompete

"Why do you want to ___? You could be making money instead." -Anon

On the uncertainty of Asian markets affecting US markets:
A: "Was today another ayyyyy lmao day on the markets?"
B: "Lol indeed"

A solicitor walks into the "trading floor"…
A: "Is anyone interested in free nights at a spa resort near Lake Tahoe?"
B: "How did you get in here?"
A: "The back door was open."
B: "[You] Son of a bitch…"

On Starcraft and home life:
A: "You don't have kids, you can practice Starcraft for 6 hours a day."
B: "But I have girlfriend!"
A: "Does she cook?"
B: "No I cook."
A: "Does she do the dishes?"
B: "Yes."
A: "Does she do the laundry?"
B: "Yes."
A: "Does she clean the house?"
B: "Yes."
C: "Sounds like you got the better trade."

"If you are long Bermuda shorts, is that a synthetic equivalent to being short pants?" -Anon

On the announcement of Ken Griffin's divorce settlement:
A: [quoting a comment from the internet] "Ken, from now on, just go the girlfriend route. Hard to weed out the gold diggers once you're past $50 million or so."
B: "Oh you mean the secretaries"

"I was out at dinner with a trader and his roommate. His roommate, who's in law, pays with a debit card. Trader pulls out his Capital One Platinum. I lay down my Amex Platinum." -Anon

"I think you should dump her. Not that interesting." -Anon on a candidate who kept rescheduling a phone interview

"Which animals' testicles have you eaten?" -PM on exotic foods

"Every time I walk by your desk, you have $1,000 in unspent money. Why aren't you spending your money?" -Anon on a game of StarCraft II

"My first instinct was to say 'if someone is thinking this, they probably have bigger issues to address in the first place.' But I once asked myself this in seventh grade, and then moved on with my life." -Anon on whether getting rich is worth the effort

On collecting cars:
A: "Have you considered collecting cars?"
B: "That's not how you stay married…"

"I don't live with 95% confidence intervals." -Anon

"I live and die by the 95% confidence interval." -Anon

"It is politically incorrect to suppress taking liquidity." -Anon